Things I Learnt the Hard Way

Last year for my birthday, I wanted to post this piece I wrote about healing. Yes, the same one you’re reading right now. I wrote nearly all of it before midnight but then never posted it. While I’d like to say procrastination was the reason why I didn’t, the real reason was that once I was done typing I suddenly felt like a fraud. Because how was I possibly preaching about healing when I was still very much grieving? Imposter syndrome took the wheel, and the voices in my head convinced me that to talk about healing I myself needed to be completely healed first. Or else it’s just all a lie. A year later by the grace of God I’m mustering the courage to put it out. Not because I’m completely healed and no longer have recurring waves of sadness from past experiences, but to show gratitude for God’s blessings in my life; to acknowledge my efforts and my strength. And most importantly to echo to anyone out there going through a difficult time that you can be a master piece and work in progress simultaneously. You can heal and grieve simultaneously. You can be exhausted from all the struggles; and still be grateful and faithful simultaneously. None of these are mutually exclusive.

So Healing…

When I first discovered healing, it felt like I had finally found an eraser for all the unpleasant things I didn’t want to feel or remember again. I read every self-help book I came across. I watched videos that made me feel empowered in my moments of misery. I discovered “self-love”, and how it speeds up healing. “If only I focus on the positive feelings and ignore the negative, I’ll be able to get over everything and anything at the snap of my fingers”, I thought. So I hopped on the healing train feeling strong willed, “positive” and ready to overcome everything. And as time went by, I could see so much change. I could see how much I was dwelling less on my problems and more on their solutions. I became less reactive and more proactive. Then the inevitable came. On a random day all of the pain I was working so hard to forget started to come back, in pieces. Sometimes in movies I watched, or places I went, or in the songs and podcasts I listened to. They started coming back, and suddenly the Positivity Band-Aid I had used to cover my wound, started to peel off. I began to wonder why the “positive vibes only” wasn’t working anymore. I wondered why it was so hard to not feel upset or have a negative thought. And the only reason I could come up with, was that “this healing thing isn’t working for me”… “Maybe I’m not strong after all”… “WHAT WAS THE POINT THEN?” If after all the struggle, these things never really go away.

Here’s what I was doing wrong. I had all the external healing tools (the books, the distractions and everything else) but internally, my healing map was off; it wasn’t fit for long-term use, nor was it sustainable. I had no purpose-driven goals — I just wanted to always be happy, and free of sadness. I was basically obsessing about the right things the wrong way. Healing for me then, was a destination and not a process, and I just wanted quick results, really badly. My obsession with being happy cost me more of that ever elusive happiness. It was like the more I chased it, the more it slipped through my desperate fingers. Not only was I unable to appreciate the little joys of life, I couldn’t recognize happiness when it came around to visit because what I was looking for was permanence — something that would never leave and never end.

Now I realize that to truly heal from within, there has to be Acceptance, Accountability & Forgiveness.

I would’ve simply said self-awareness as a quick summary for everything I listed above, but I’d rather be specific & detailed about what areas were crucial to my own healing. So here goes.

Acceptance — we have to accept that what we are pining and ruminating over is now in the past. We have to accept that we are hurting and stop running away from the pain. We have to accept things for what they are, and not what we wanted them to be. We have to make peace with the fact that this person/event/ situation/idea has caused us harm, has ended, perhaps never even existed, and simply stop making any more excuses for them that prevents us from moving forward.

Accountability — We have to be accountable for our actions, for the role we played in whatever it is we want to heal from. To understand that it’s not enough to accept “why” it was over, but also acknowledge “how” we might’ve contributed to our situations by the choices and decisions we made. That we weren’t always the victims in our stories, and we might’ve also caused harm to others. For situations where we were victims, it is important to understand that while we did not choose the harm or pain we were subjected to, while it’s absolutely NOT our fault that these things happened, it is still OUR responsibility to heal from them. Because abusers cannot and will not grant us healing, especially not after they purposefully caused us harm. It is up to us to find our way to heal.

Forgiveness — self-forgiveness is undoubtedly much harder than forgiving someone else. Because while you can forgive them and deprive them of any access to you — you are stuck with YOURSELF for the rest of eternity. We have to be able to forgive ourselves for making certain choices; we have to put an end to the self-loathing, the harsh criticisms and the bitterness we carry in our hearts. We have to learn to mute our inner critic when it becomes destructive rather than constructive. Forgiving oneself is significantly tied to how fast and how well we heal.

None of these three things were easy, but they helped me a lot. They helped me understand that pain is an inevitable part of healing, and I could not have one without the other. Think of it this way, the same way you need to endure the pain of having a dislocated bone popped back in, is the same way you’ll have to endure the pain that comes with healing from what’s broken inside of you. Healing requires you to make decisions that hurt your heart but heal your soul. Getting rid of any emotional attachment that triggers your rumination is also very necessary, because it’s awfully hard to move forward if you keep looking back. You have to not just physically move on but emotionally as well. And that means setting stern boundaries, blocking, deleting, not stalking, not revisiting old messages, no pictures. Nothing.

HEALING IS UNCOMFORTABLE. There are going to be days when all the stuff you’ve worked so hard to heal from, come back to slap you in the face, or days you just want check up on this person, or go back to old ways because “I don’t despise them anymore” or “I’ve read enough books, I’m armed with knowledge and I got this!’ No you don’t! (LOL) Our mind has a way of tricking us into crawling back to spaces we have outgrown. Especially when these spaces were familiar. Remember that your healing is not circumstantial to whether or not they apologize to you. It is not tied to feeling alright about them again. Your healing is in the lesson, in the growth you allow yourself to have in the aftermath of your experiences. The biggest lesson of all is remembering that GOD PUT YOU THERE- FOR A REASON. God allowed you to experience that pain to teach you something. And part of that lesson, is to not go back to what He took you out of.

As tempting as it is to go back when your spirit is settled and you no longer feel bitter or resentful over what happened in the past, it is important to remember that the reason it didn’t work out in the first place, is STILL there. If for instance, you left the relationship, the marriage, the job, moved out of your parents’ because they were abusive or narcissistic, chances are those reasons are still very much there.

When you’re healing, you’ll see the beauty of growth. You’ll see how beautiful a person can be, despite their flaws. As a result, you begin to think there’s hope for everyone. You begin to think that everyone can be redeemed, and somehow you feel the need to take them on your journey as projects, after all, everyone can be better. While this isn’t particularly untrue, also understand that not everyone is on a road to redemption or betterment. Understand that it’s not okay to force your growth on others and it’s most certainly not your duty to fix other people. Similarly, understand that letting people be, doesn’t make you less of a person.

When you’re healing, you’ll learn that choosing yourself isn’t selfish; it is self-preservation. You’ll understand how to balance being something to everyone, and being everything to yourself. You’ll know where empathy stops and enabling begins. You’ll learn to put your needs first without being unkind about it.

Healing is different for everyone, as we clearly don’t share the same experiences. There are people who are healing from childhood trauma, emotional or sexual abuse; this type of healing would likely require therapy. There are also deep-rooted injuries and insecurities like; low self-esteem, fear of abandonment & rejection, trust issues and the list goes on.

Another very obvious yet remarkable thing I discovered about pain is that, idleness amplifies pain. And because healing like I said is tied to pain, the hack is to keep busy. Contrary to popular misconceptions about being distracted, it’s not about how active you are, but how effective you are. Pretending you’re not in pain will only make you bleed out. Effectiveness in healing is in finding purpose-driven goals, not just activities that prevent you from ruminating, but things that fuel your purpose as a person; things that add value to your life. Also, while healing, you’ll learn that happiness lies in the progress you make; however little. It could be that bad habit you stopped, that music you stopped listening to, that guy/girl you got over, that weed you stopped smoking, that porn you stopped watching, and that NO you learnt to say. Happiness lies in the little but significant things that make our souls feel lighter.

It is common for people to think that healing is about being strong and fighting whatever comes your way. It is often misunderstood as always having your own back, and loving yourself all through. But healing is about reconnecting too. It’s about letting people be there for you, even when you can do that for yourself. Sometimes, it’s okay to be saved. It’s about rekindling meaningful relationships that lift your spirit; it’s about finding likeminded people who are on the same journey as you. All my life, I’ve never felt more blessed and accomplished than I do now. And no, it’s not because I have my life all figured out, or because I have less things to worry about, or because of academic achievements. It is genuinely because I have found solace and love in meaningful friendships. I say friendship because along with the not-so-subtle societal pressure to be taken, as humans we sometimes feel like we can only have the best moments of our lives when we are in romantic relationships. I have met amazing people on my journey; I have learnt and unlearnt so much by making mistakes, falling, failing, listening, watching and conversing with people. I have allowed myself to need people, because for the longest time I felt needing others meant weakness; but it really isn’t. I have learnt to admit, “I’m hurting, I feel alone, I want to cry, I feel ashamed, I need a shoulder, or a listening ear”. I have also learnt that contrary to my surface level understanding of self-love, it is also immensely gratifying to love, be loved & to be wanted. It’d be a fallacy to advocate for self-love while neglecting the fact that being loved the right way feels absolutely beautiful, so does being adored, respected and cared for. The act of loving someone, putting a smile on their faces, being there for them is something that fills up beautiful spaces in our lives — At least it does for me.

You don’t have to heal alone! You don’t have to subject yourself to excruciating silence and loneliness because it’s how you feel healing works best. Healing works wonders in the company of people who push you to grow, and themselves have an affinity for growth; people who uplift you emotionally, mentally and spiritually. That’s why therapy and support groups are highly recommended during times like this. We as humans, thrive when we feel seen and heard.

This brings me to the final, and most important of all lessons; that healing is not possible without God. You cannot heal without God in your life. I saved the best for the last because often, when we talk about trauma and pain, we get asked to pray our problems away. While it is not a non-solution, we cannot for instance pray cancer away; one would need to see a doctor, get chemotherapy, surgeries and tons of medication. But in everything, and through everything, it is God who grants ease. In life it’s God; in death, it’s also Him. It is Him we seek for the rectification of our affairs, and it is Him we seek to show gratitude to when life gets better. Thus, the same way we need a psychologist for the sickness of our minds, a doctor for the sickness of our bodies, we need God for the healing, restoration and replenishment of our souls. Healing as an intentional step we take to overcoming the injuries of the past would remain incomplete without God being a facilitator to it. After years of reading a bunch of stuff about how to get better, and actively seeking help, I only felt the most at ease when I became closer to God. That was when I began to intentionally seek for knowledge outside what I inherited by simply being born a Muslim. When your relationship with The Almighty is intact, every other thing automatically becomes achievable. Healing no longer feels far-fetched. Your faith deepens! You understand that He was in control of your past, He is in control of your present & He is in control of your future. Faith here isn’t the lack of pain or struggle, but you get to go through life feeling less alone. As quiet as healing can become, you know He sees you. You know He hears you, & He will dispose your affairs in the best way possible. You can have doubts about your ability to overcome, or achieve, but you keep moving anyway — that’s the type of courage, fortitude and resilience the faith in God affords you. It also gives you clarity; if you used to make all your decisions alone, perhaps impulsively, in the heat of the moment in the past, the consciousness of God changes that completely. You know to pray first and act later, not act first and pray later. You know to pray for His guidance on everything because you can’t have your way & His way at the same time. You can only heal properly when you have a prayer-filled life and when your path to betterment involves actively taking consistent steps towards becoming a better person. Spirituality became not just a facilitator to my healing, but also to my growth as a person. Faith in God puts back all of the missing pieces. And above everything, it fills the void created by the loss or pain you’re trying to heal from.

That being said, “forgiveness” not only of yourself, but also of others, helps you travel lighter on your journey. Forgiveness is for you more than it is for them. You’re not healing for anyone, but for yourself. You’re not healing so you can rub it in anyone’s face that you’re doing great without them; you’re not healing for anyone to realize they’ve damaged you. You’re doing it for you.

You unburden yourself when you forgive. You make space for better things to come into your life when you let go of things that were no good to your life. While forgiveness is a choice, it is worth it to set yourself free and let God be the judge of things you have no power of undoing or changing.

Finally, the best apologies and closures are the ones we give ourselves. There’s nothing more empowering than rising from a bad fall with the grace and mercy of God. If you are falling or have fallen before, then I hope that you find this helpful. And I also hope that you understand that tripping & falling but getting back up anyway, is part of the process. I hope that you’re also able to show kindness to yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself.

One of my beliefs from the past was that you can’t experience certain good things or people more than once in your life time; whether it was a better financial position, academic success, a relationship, or just favorable life circumstances. Odd thing to believe I know. But always remember that, no matter how far fetched it seems, if God made it possible for you then, He can make it possible for you again. By His grace whatever good you seek, you shall find — even if you happen to be stumbling in the dark.